Every year I’m surprised I’m still alive.
There’s this part of me that is sure, dead fucking sure, that I won’t be when the next year rolls around. I know that I don’t have it in me, that I’m not strong enough to keep going, keep pushing forward and living this life that I’m trying to make for myself.
And every year, I watch the ball drop, or drink a glass of something, or sit by myself and the thing that I keep doing is being utterly surprised.
Because I am still here.
Somehow, I’ve done the impossible. I’ve survived this long and I keep doing it. That’s the amazing part, really. I keep doing this thing where I don’t die and it’s strange and scary and wonderful all at once.
2017 was a hell of a year. I got two things accepted, one for the Disabled People Destroy Science Fiction Kickstarter and the other for an upcoming anthology, I saw my partner go into the hospital, I made some money off ghostwriting, I watched people get deeply hurt, I decided I was moving out of state in the coming year and I have survived all the good and all the bad and all the parts where everything felt like it wasn’t real and I was just a ghost of a person.
But I’m not a ghost, I’m alive, I’m real, I’m a person who can make decisions and create change and make things grow.
I have that power, we all do. It’s just a matter of survival.
And no, surviving isn’t that easy, sometimes it’s a matter of sheer will, of gritting your teeth and not giving in no matter how much you want to, but we all have that ability. We can all keep going for one more day.
And one day becomes a week, and a week becomes a month, and soon…
Well, soon it’s the end of another year and I’m marveling at the fact that I’m still alive.
Here’s to a new year, a new set of days to create and change and shape the world around us. May we all be here this time next year. May we all have the strength to survive.
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